on children

in a cloud of dusty gasoline, the small bus pulls up and excited shouts spill from mouths of impatient children. clamoring, grabbing, shoving, they squirm in a continuous mass until suddenly all have entered the bus and found a seat. i stand, observing, slightly uncomfortable with the prospect of a full day with these writhing beings. really, more than slightly uncomfortable, i'm filling with dread. sure, this day represents a culmination of many meetings, informal environmental education, and planning. the new environment club is setting out on their first field trip to learn about the surrounding habitat. i realize i'm fulfilling one of my all-important work goals through this club, but i swallow back anxiety as i join the mob on the bus. this doesn't bode well, considering most of the goals i'm expected to complete here involve working in close proximity with children. truth be told, i don't really enjoy little kids. just by admitting that, sharp gasps of air are sucked in by all informed and instant guilt incurs in me. it feels like a sin to not include children as one of my favorite people groups. upon some pondering, i've come to the conclusion that its not children of themselves. its my own inability to interact capably with them. i'm uncomfortable with them because i feel inadequate around young beings. some people are blessed with that special magnetism that instantly, irresistably pulls youngsters into their force field. these unique (or possibly quite normal - i'm perhaps the unusual one) people light up around children and spread that glow to those they play with. i, on the other hand, become suddenly inept, unsure of myself, stiff arms, mind crammed with questions so i am unable to find words, eyes scanning for a rescuer. i'm sure my time with kids here will relax me - it inevitably has already done so. someday i may be able to view a crowd of screaming children, rushing toward me in expectation, and not feel that flash of panic the moment before the flood hits.