on discipline

scraps of paper with minute, frantic scribbling on them that when examined closely, revealed an unwielding schedule. each hour dedicated to some task that undoubtedly required a more generous allottment of time. rising wearily from my bed in the dark to complete the morning ritual of sweating on a treadmill after only four hours of sleep. transporting study materials with me everywhere so that in the event five minutes opened up, studying could commence. this task could later be added to a preposterously long checklist, and crossed off for the satisfaction of an anal personality. this is what i considered discipline in college. to adequately schedule my day so that the majority of tasks were completed, forgotten, and a new assortment could replace them in my crowded, shouting brain. i look back on this as insanity. and i have rapidly traversed to the opposite end of the dichotomy. where in college, i expected of myself a state of 'discipline' that was not only impossible, but also damaging to my health, i am now fighting to regain some establishment of this art in my everyday lifestyle. in a country that doesnt demand discipline (regarding work, children, school, food, etc) it is easy to succomb to the pressure of simply existing. it is my desire to wake early in the mornings to run. however, my body rebels against this, my sleep component is a savage defender of complete REM cycles, and because the entire day appears free for strenuous activity, i am easily convinced to doze an extra thirty minutes and run in the afternoon. i also enjoy knowing what my upcoming week involves. but due to plans changing during the last five minutes before an event, or the daily switch of a program (i literally never do anything in my planner on the right day, right time - some things have been anticipated for weeks now) i have resigned myself to forgoing daily schedules and letting the day guide me. while more culturally sensitive, part of me feels undisciplined because i cant effectively stick to a plan, and deep inside i have a grasping for that which is solid and qualitative. just the other day i had an intense need to recapture some essence of discipline; i view it as an important virtue i wish to be present in some manifestation in my life. i sat and listed five areas of my life i wanted more steadfastness in and detailed how i planned to accomplish this feat. while i dont anticipate instantaneous, remarkable change, i would hope for a building of qualities that enable a firmer foundation of discipline to be created. or perhaps rather than viewing it as a building, a horizontal structure is more appropriate. consider a carpet: there is the warp, the strings behind the scene that hold all the colors together. and there is the weave, which involves all of the beauty that we so admire. discipline becomes one of those colors, entering, dodging, fading, but ever present in the whole carpet. it may appear dense at times, and in other places barely visible, yet it remains always. and while a well-worn rug is tightly interlaced, a formidable object to hoist off the ground, and remarkably sturdy in construction, it remains flexible, and subject to gentle, even appealing wear. so i would hope discipline to behave in my life. to lend strength and character, but leave me adaptable and subject to change. because contrary to my nature, i have discovered a certain freedom in not becoming upset when plans are quickly changed, and replaced with an activcity that was not written down prior to the change. not to say that flexibility can be equated with discipline, or lack thereof, but i think that my definition of what it is to lead a disciplined life is changing. to not complete a daily ritual or practice doesnt necessarily mean a lack of discipline, for you can momentarily or spontaneously replace this ritual with a new activity and learn just as much through the process of searching and change. just as weavers have the ability to change the pattern as they build their web of vibrancy, we have the choice to apply certain colors where we want them and in what quantities, creating. discovering.