on the inside of my head (written 2.09.08)

this is the first day of ramadan and its about an hour away from the breaking of fast. this year seems so conflicting to me - not ramadan itself but just the various activities swirling around me at this point in my life. and so i want to use this month to think and read and consider what i believe, why i believe, why i live, and who im going to affect with my life. so typical for someone in their early 20s i suppose...to drift and discover and plot life. i dont know what i believe. suddenly everything ive ever known is dissolving around me into puddles of questions, uncertainty, and spreading through all of that which is unknown, strings of new thought that challenge and undermine. so in this time of reflection maybe i can straighten these strings and dry up the puddles or at least form them into something coherent. my time in morocco has unalterably changed my conciousness, but not to its detriment, just in a manner that allows no return. ive discovered that i am not the person i thought i was, i am not the person i came here as, and i am not sure how that presently affects my life. i want to live wholesomely, in a way that impacts those around me and across the world positively. the food i eat - where does it come from, how does it affect my body. the car or transportation i use. the religion i follow. the people i love. the things i support. i want them to be true and useful and more a demonstration of who i am, rather than allowing them to shape me with their every conviction.i want to be healthy and inspire the things i touch and people i interact with. i want to seek truth and be utterly convinced of Truth. i want to see the realization of love. yet even as i write i see my selfishness, i sense the disappointment of others i admire, i see the fight i want to fight but am scared to because of what it may reveal. but i want to search whatever the results, because therein lies what is important. and that will provide resolution, at least for a time.